30 Miserable lives lost in Bus crash

According to Greyhound officials, the fatal crash occurred less than an hour after passengers gathered their pathetic belongings and dragged what little hope they had left onto the despair-soaked bus. Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident."

"This is by far the saddest thing I've ever witnessed," said head rescue worker Charles Rabnett, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. "We've done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we've only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors."

Added Rabnett: "Dear God, what a terrible waste of my time."

While officials are still not sure what happened aboard the Albany-bound bus, a number of theories have been posited, including icy roads, low visibility due to fog, and the likelihood that the driver, Ron Jenkins, fell asleep at the wheel after spending a restless night consumed by his failures as a husband.
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Anonymous said...

I'm trying to find the funny bit, but I think this is low even for the Onion. Maybe I'm still a little emotionally "raw" after the whole kid-with-cancer thing... but I'm not finding this funny?

I think the main reason this is not funny is that there are no ducks. If you added ducks to the appropriate places, then it would at least quack. But as it is it isn't even a sitting duck, even if it's a lame goose.

Anonymous said...

I think I need a peanut butter sandwich.