2008-11-17

Parable of the burning state

Inspired by this:
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger remained upbeat today about the progress of the state's devastating wildfires.

"Hopefully we can adjust the direction of the fires towards more heavily populated areas. The more homes it destroys, the better."

Economists around the nation have reacted swiftly to the news of the fires, calling it the beginning of the end of the subprime crisis.

"With thousands of houses already torched beyond repair and tens of thousands more likely to perish, this mass immolation will reduce the surplus supply of houses in California." said Professor Saul O'Hara of the New York School of Economics today. "With a drop in supply there will come an increase in prices, which will then reinvigorate the state's, and the nation's, property market".

Steps have already been taken to ensure the destruction of as many houses as possible. Earlier today, Governor Schwarzenegger called in the California Air National Guard to begin fire bombing the Inland Empire.

But despite the efforts of California's bravest, the Governor has called upon neighbouring states to help, as well as Federal Assistance.

"Our men are doing a great job - as of 30 minutes ago Palm Springs and Fontana have been reduced to smouldering ruins as a result of the Air National Guard. But there is still so much to do - so many more cities and houses to burn to the ground. Our men are tired. We need federal assistance as soon as possible."

President George Bush was unable to comment, but sources say that he was "willing and able" to send as many troops and munitions as possible to the area.

President-elect Barack Obama, however, criticized the federal government's slow response to the crisis.

"The people of America need hope. They need change. They need more than just a few hundred of California's finest. What they need is an entire squadron of B-52s dropping incendiary bombs in as many built up areas of the state as possible." Obama said

"We should start in the poorest parts of Los Angeles. South Central, Compton, Inglewood..."

Leaders at the G20 summit reacted positively to the news of California's immolation, some suggesting that the global economic crisis may have even reached its bottom.

"The news of California's fires has encouraged the entire world" said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon "Hopefully the destruction can spread across the entire United States, causing house prices to boom and re-employing the millions of unemployed to refurbish and refit any properties that remain."

Former Russian President and current Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, also at the G20 summit, pledged to send any support he can.

"We have 100 brand new Tu-160 strategic bombers ready at a moment's notice to enter US airspace." Putin revealed, "President Bush needs only say the word and I will order them to attack."

Dow futures rose considerably on the news.

"The more houses that are destroyed, the more current house prices will appreciate and the more chances we have of burning our way through the current recession" said Bloomberg Analyst Layton Ken. "When most of America's houses have gone, the housing market will boom".

Governor Schwarzenegger, however, warned of over-optimism.

"At this stage we have an entirely localized immolation. We are doing our best to stoke it but our resources are few. There is a real danger that the fires might go out. We need to pray that God sends rain... of fire".

1 comment:

One Salient Oversight said...

I used to live in a fire-prone area of Sydney for many years, so I know partly how many might feel in California at the moment.

I hope the fires go out soon.