2005-10-16

Evangelical Christian dismisses Hollywood blockbusters

Peter Moore, an Evangelical Christian who lives in Colorado Springs, has admitted that he does not like "Schindler's List".

"It's not that I'm not shocked at what happened in The Holocaust - it's just that all these people went to hell"

"It doesn't matter whether they were Jews or Gays or disabled people - if they hadn't accepted Jesus into their heart as Lord and Saviour, then they have gone to Hell"

"You think the ovens were bad? Imagine the torment of that poor Jew as he ended up burning forever in Hades."

Moore admits that he finds other films difficult to deal with.

"I saw Russell Crowe in Gladiator. What a stupid film. Both he and that sicko Roman Emperor die. You know that scene where he is having a vision of the afterlife? Well it was obviously just some neurological psychosis as he was dying because he would've gone straight to Hell with Commodus"

Moore complains that Hollywood does not see things from a Christian perspective.

"Do we ever see any Christian reality being depicted by Hollywood? Of course not!"

"I mean look at the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy. The fact is that Middle Earth doesn't actually exist. There are no Elves or Hobbits or Orcs. God doesn't talk about them in the Bible. The Bible doesn't talk about life on other worlds or other realities."

"That's why these films are evil"

Moore argues that films should depict only what is real.

"Fiction is essentially a lie. Every time you watch a film that is fictional, you are watching a lie."

Moore even extends his criticism to arthouse films.

"Look at Dead Man with Johnny Depp. I don't know about you, but I'm fairly certain that America was in colour in the 19th century. And look at all those people who die. Why would anyone care about Johnny Depp's character? At the end of the film you see him float off into the sea. We all know he dies! Why don't they show a scene of Depp's character - William Blake - being tormented in hell next to those three dead bounty hunters, his dead girlfriend and her dead former fiance, as well as his Indian friend Nobody?"

"And what's worse is that Nobody suddenly turns up on top of a roof in Ghost Dog! I mean the guy is dead and he has been dead for over 100 years. And now he turns up - in color mind you - with a whole bunch of pigeons."

"The Bible says nothing about reincarnation. It's all wrong!"



From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2005 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/


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3 comments:

G. Charmley said...

Ha! Ha! Took me a second to realise it was satire, mind you, but when I did...

Anonymous said...

My concern is that he has missed the obvious reference to the Homer Simpson goes to hell episode. As he descends the infernal stairway, he thinks… “Hmmm, smells like BBQ.” Now due to a moment of sheer terror I can’t remember the exact details, but didn’t he describe the sausages as being made from tofu and the beer warm? (Swallows hard).

I for one have encountered these things, I kid you not — here in the real world. Does that mean that portions of judgement are already being poured out on our poor earth? Are we to see the four horsemen of the apocalypse charging across our horizons… and instead of simply paying more for bread, the peak oil induced apocalypse now as described by eclipse now will force us to pay high prices for bean curd and other abominable meat substitutes?

I have to warn people, I have to spam the internet and let people know, the tofu burger is coming, indeed, may already be here!

One Salient Oversight said...

I contacted Peter Moore about this issue. He said he dismissed the Simpsons as being evil whrn it first started and hasn't seen it since.

He was ranting about how people "Don't have bug eyes and yellow skin"