Two cows jokes with realistic endings

I laughed my frontal lobes out when I read Jokes with Realistic Endings from Something Awful.

I also enjoy the "two cows" humour. Eg:

Definition of Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

So I decided to add the two together. Be afraid...

You have two cows, both of which you use for the purpose of financial gain.

You have two cows, both of which are your responsibility to look after as part of your job in the local agricultural collective.

You have two cows, the financial gains from which may possibly be subsidised by the government in order to preserve the rural culture you live in. You also have very good health care.

You have two cows. At the same time you respect and value women as equals.

You have two cows, which are ultimately protected by your Lord and his professional soldiers.

Christian Fundamentalism:
You have two cows. You also attend a Fundamentalist Christian church and hold to the beliefs that are taught therein.

George W. Bushism:
You have two cows. You do not realise this because, by being quite wealthy, you do not need to account for everything you own. Moreover, your duties as President of the United States require you to leave such an undertaking to others, whom you employ.

You have two cows whom you treat with utmost respect because of your religious beliefs.

You have two cows, both of whom belong to you and no one else.

You have two cows, both of which you see as a wonderful gift from God.

You have two cows, which, along with you, risk being killed due to enforced collectivisation.

You have two cows. You also think Adolf Hitler is a great leader.

You have two cows, which you look after well despite your gloomy outlook on life.

You have two cows and really enjoy looking after them.

You have two cows, which you have kept after carefully working out the pros and cons of their presence.

You have two cows who live in a paddock that has been specially designed to make as little impact on the original environment as possible. Once they die, you choose not to replace them because you know that cows produce a lot of carbon dioxide, which is bad for global warming.

You have two cows. However, due to your intake of mind-altering drugs, their appearance to you is occasionally unusual.

You have two cows, but constantly worry about what the government might do to them - or yourself for that matter.

You have two cows. You also don't believe in the existence of God.

You have two cows whom you believe to be the result of the evolutionary process as described in most biology textbooks.

You have two cows, both of whom suffer greatly because you are too drunk most of the time to adequately care for them.

From the Department of Attempted Humour

Public Domain Dedication

This work is dedicated to the Public Domain.

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