Lucifer to list TBN on Stock Exchange

Lucifier, the prince of darkness and the most powerful spirit-being opposed to God, has announced that he will list the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) on the New York Stock Exchange.

"Revenue has been rising for the last five years" he told an audience of prospective investors at a meeting in Albany. "Each year we have seen a substantial gain in viewers, with commensurate rises in advertising revenue."

Lucifier, considered to be the world's foremost CEO, has baffled markets throughout history by his ability to make money out of a sector that, traditionally, has been opposed to his business style.

The meeting went underway with a powerpoint presentation of Lucifier's history of business successes within the Christian church. These include the Vatican, the Crusades, the Salem witch trials, racial segregation in the South of the USA, and the introduction of Contemporary Christian Music.

Business analysts have known for years of Lucifier's ownership of TBN - the most widely watched Christian Television network in history. Because of the lack of strict guidelines in this area, Lucifier was able to orchestrate both the 9/11 attacks and the subsequent invasion of Iraq - both of which led to an increase in viewers for TBN. Despite the ethical ambiguity, many analysts have praised the sheer creativeness of such an approach, and underlie, yet again, the success of his business model.

"Lucifier is able to make the TBN audience totally ignorant of his involvement in the network" said Paul Krugman, an economist who writes opinion pieces for The New York Times. "Moreover, he instructs his executives to explicitly state that the network is actually owned by God. It is a brilliant piece of opaqueness that has yet to be regulated by Stock Market rules".

When contacted, Paul Crouch, the "official" president of TBN, denied that Lucifer had any controlling interest at all in the network. Krugman asserts that Crouch believes that he is telling the truth - but only because he himself is unaware of Lucifer's involvement.

The audience, so blindly faithful to the network, is therefore seen as a "cash cow" for Lucifier's expanding empire, which already has seen billions donated into both the Republican and Democratic parties to buy influence there. Many analysts believe that the figure rises tenfold when donations to individual politicians are taken into account.

When asked how he is able to make so much money out of the Christian community, Lucifier's response was coy. "If I told you that then I'd have competition!" he stated, drawing laughs from those present.

Much of Lucifier's success stems from TBN's overt denouncement of Lucifier himself, thus giving the auidence an impression that the Network is opposed to him and his business dealings. He is then able to subtley manipulate the message promoted by the network to sound religious, but not actually be biblical.

Nevertheless, some critics point out that only a small proportion of Christians in the US actually watch the network, indicating that his reach into the Christian church has been limited. Krugman disagrees "TBN may not reach the majority of American Christians, but the Lucifier conglomerate can reach them through other means - such as via Contemporary Christian music, theological seminaries and Christian bookshops. You should see how many Christian authors he pays".

Lucifier also maintains a more overt presence in his ownership of the Wicca and Spiritist groups, successful, albeit tiny, franchises that he opened centuries ago. The flak that these groups have received have helped Lucifier to deflect any interest he might have in more mainstream enterprises.

"Lucifier occasionally does some weird stuff for all his Spiritist followers - just to keep them keen - but he doesn't do too much just in case he freaks them out too much." Krugman explains. "He has a totally different model when it comes to TBN. There are no virgin sacrifices or black masses there - just good, old fashioned religion with a message that appears to keep its viewers happy."

TBN will list at the New York Stock Exchange sometime in November, 2005.

From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2005 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs License.
To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.5/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 559 Nathan Abbott Way, Stanford, California 94305, USA.

You are free:
* To copy, distribute, display and perform this work.
* To make commercial use of this work.
Under the following conditions:
* By attribution. You must give the original author credit.
* No derivative works. You may not alter, transform or build upon the work.
* For any reuse or distribution, you must make clear to others the license terms of this work.
Any of these conditions can be waived if you get permission from the author.
Additional copyright information from the author:
* You may remove the "Department name" from the text when copying.
* You may Americanise any minor spelling (eg Humour, Humor).

No comments: