What would the real Christian Church look like?

So let's imagine a church that accurately represents the body of Christ. How would all these people act together in this church?

The Calvinists have their seats already arranged even before they walk in. Moreover, their seats have their names on them.

When the Arminians enter, they pick the chair up at the door and choose exactly where they want to sit.

When the Baptists enter, they don't go an sit in chairs. They have their own spas to sit in.

The Presbyterians have their own small section of the church. Fortunately it is attended by a fully trained nurse with a handy defribrillation unit.

The Anglicans face their chairs whichever way they want, with some even placing theirs outside the church building. Some bitter arguments ensue, but the majority speak out passionately about the need to avoid schism.

The Charismatics have their own section but do not use chairs. They stand up with their hands tied to ropes from the ceiling to ensure that they are permanently raised.

The Salvation Army have their own soundproof room to go into. No one wants to be disturbed by their music.

The Fundamentalists are handed blinkers and ear muffs, and sit on the extreme right hand side of the church.

The Pre-millennial section has its own skylight in the roof above them that is easily opened to the sky - just in case.

The Post-millennial section is perhaps the cleanest and most wonderful section of the building.

When the Willow-Creek mob arrive, they don't sit in chairs. They take over the stage and entertain everyone.

When the Rick-Warren people arrive, they put up a sign outside the church before they go in. Once inside they demand money from every member to pay for the sign.

The Church's children's ministry is run by the Lord's Resistance Army, who steal the children and train them to use assault rifles.

From the Department of Attempted Humour.

© 2005 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/
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