Christian School Principals

What the Principal of a Christian School says

What he/she means

Maybe God is not calling you to be a teacher”

Get your act together or we’ll get rid of you”

God has granted us a new vision for us to serve him better”

We’re changing our procedures”

You are not just doing a job, you are involved in ministry”

Work harder”

We need to realise that our service to God is our top priority”

The school is running out of money and we need to cut your wages”

God gives us the strength and grace to serve him better”

Illness should not require time off”

God has blessed our ministry and we can work with him for his glory”

We’re starting a building program and we need you to give us money”

We are serving Christian parents by ministering to their children”

If a parent complains, God help you”

We are stewards of God’s creation and we need to be wise in our use of it”

We’re cutting back on the use of stationary and photocopier paper”

We want Christian teachers who are enthusiastic self-starters, capable of performing their best for the Lord”

If you have trouble with any of your students, don’t come to me.”

We have a responsibility to follow all the lawful requirements set down for us by the authorities God has placed over us”

Don’t expect us to care if anything happens to you”

God expects us to discipline those who fall short of his standards of conduct”

We can sue you to the fullest extent of the law if we choose”

God wants us to live holy and pure lives and treat each other in a godly and responsible manner”

Don’t even think of flirting with that cute teacher”

We need to remember that we are stewards of God’s time, and that a thousand years to God is like a day”

I consider 60 hours per week to be the absolute minimum you should be working”

We need to remember that Jesus himself said that ‘anyone who loves their family more than me is not worthy of me’ (Matthew 10:37)”

Your family is of secondary importance to your employment here”

God has set in place leaders and those in authority so that all things may be done for his glory”

I am God. You will obey me”

Even God felt that it was necessary that those who are part of his church need discipline and correction”

Don’t even think about questioning my decisions”

We are finding it difficult to discern God’s will at this time”

I don’t know what to do”

We need to pray and trust that God will lead us”

I still don’t know what to do”

God has been gracious to us by giving us these new teachers to work for his glory”

These poor fools have replaced those who couldn’t stand working here any longer”

We must remember that occasionally we all make mistakes, and that patience and respect must be shown”

I was wrong but I’m still God”

I believe that God is calling us all to focus more upon our family lives”

I’ve been committing adultery with my secretary and my wife has found out”

I believe that God is calling me to pastor a church”

I’m a hopeless principal and I now want to go and destroy a church”

I am comforted by the fact that our love for God is more important than any worldly knowledge we might have”

I’m threatened by the fact that the teachers in this school are better qualified than me”

We want to encourage a diversity of Christian opinion with all the staff at the school, while still maintaining our unity in Christ”

We no longer use the Bible at this school”

Sometimes we need to encourage our senior staff to develop their skills in ministry in a different place”

I didn’t like the deputy principal so I forced him to resign”

We must not compromise our beliefs or allow ourselves to be influenced by the world”

If you are a member of a union then I have serious doubts about your salvation”

It is important for staff to grow in their fellowship together and encourage each other in godliness outside the confines of the school”

If you teach at this school you must go to my church”

We are not strict Sabbath-keepers at this school”

We expect you to work Sundays”

We are not a Seventh-day Adventist school either”

We also expect you to work Saturdays”

We have to foster a serving environment to ensure the development of our students in accordance with the curriculum”

You teachers are scum”

Those in senior management occasionally need time to reflect upon their leadership role within the school”

I’m going to Hawaii for two weeks”

We need to be patient with all children who have special needs and not be judgmental of them or their parents”

Stop criticizing my child for behaving badly”

We are trusting that God will look after us this year”

We are choosing not to insure the school this year”

We need to focus on sexual purity, especially between teachers and students, if we are to grow in our love for God”

There is a paedophile in this school and it definitely isn’t me”

We are a witness to the world around us - how we behave is important”

The board of studies is clamping down on our inadequate curriculum”

It is important for us to engage with the world and show them the love of Jesus”

We can’t get enough Christian teachers so we’re employing non-Christians”

Our role is not just to teach, it is also to tell students about God so they may have a personal relationship with him”

We can’t get enough Christian kids to pay the bills so we’re allowing non-Christians in”

We need to understand that ‘All truth is God’s truth’ in the way we approach our school”

We’re changing our understanding of God to fit in with our secular management techniques”

We all have the pleasure of knowing how to serve the Lord with gladness”

We are giving you more work to do”

It is important that we ‘do not give up the habit of meeting together’ so we can mutually encourage one another”

If you don’t turn up to teacher’s chapel meetings you will have hell to pay”

It is beneficial for us to look beyond our own limitations and to embrace those who God has called to work with us”

We’re employing a senior manager who has no idea what it is to be a teacher”

School is a place for everyone to learn - not just the students, but the teachers as well”

We prefer to employ teachers without proper qualifications because they’re cheap”

Our school is a centre of excellence, and we feel that all parents should be able to send their children here knowing that our regular teachers are of a high standard”

We don’t have enough staff to cope with our special needs students so we’re dumping it on normal teachers”

I’m praying that God will help you to be a better teacher”

I’m having second thoughts about your suitability as a teacher here”

God wants us to use money wisely and not spend it on unimportant things”

We’ll still be using demountable classrooms in ten years”

God looks favourably upon those who excel”

Stress is not in my vocabulary”

We need to pull together as a team if we are to grow and develop as a Christian body”

The groundskeeper just left and we can’t afford to get another so you teachers will have to clean things up from now on”

There are some Christians who grow in their relationship with God, but there are many who do not and, unless they change, they will never experience fully the blessings God has promised them”

Teachers who kiss my butt will be rewarded handsomely”

Our school is committed to the values of Christian education and bringing up children in Christ”

Good exam results are the only priority”

From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2005 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/
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