2005-09-19

Outrageous Bible mistranslations

Here are some re-translated Bible verses that have discovered by various groups and denominations in the church:
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Baptists have found this verse:

Mark 1.8
I have baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with water too. Water is important.
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"Free Grace" proponents have found this verse:

Mark 1.15
The time is fulfilled and the Kingdom of God is at hand; just believe the gospel and you will be saved - you can repent later if you want to.
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Christian members of the NRA discovered these verses:

Matthew 5.38-39
"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' And I say to you resist strongly against the one who is evil. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, you slap him harder and on both cheeks. Take him out."
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Christian Republicans discovered this verse:

Luke 20:22-25
And they asked Jesus "Is it lawful for us to give tribute to Caesar or not?" But he perceived their craftiness, and said to them, "Show me a denarius. Whose likeness and inscription does it have?" They said "Caesar's." He said to them "With-hold all taxes and tributes from Caesar, for the rich are blessed by God for their hard work and provide employment for the poor. By with-holding these taxes, Caesar will somehow get more money."
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Theonomists discovered this verse:

John 18.36
"My Kingdom is of this world, and my servants will fight to the bitter end to make sure I stay king".
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Oral Roberts found this verse:

Acts 9.3-6
Now as Saul went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?" And he said, "Who are you Lord?" and, lo, Saul's eyes were opened and he beheld before him a 900ft tall man. "I am Jesus. Go and build me a medical center in Tulsa, Oklahoma. After a few years of running massive financial losses, I will shut it down. If you do not do this I will kill you."
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Dispensationalists found this verse:

Galatians 3.29
But if you are Christ's, don't somehow think you are Abraham's offspring or heirs according to the promise. All Israel is Israel.
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Open theists found this verse:

John 13.38
Jesus said to Peter, "Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly I say to you that I honestly don't know. I suppose it is possible."
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Hal Lindsey found this one:

1 Thessalonians 5.1-2
Now concerning the times and the seasons, brothers, you need a lot more written to you. You may be aware that the day of the Lord will not come like a thief in the night, but be preceded by Soviet and Chinese tanks invading Israel to steal their valuable store of potash, as well as some guy from Europe who will be the antichrist. And all this will happen some time before 1990.
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Tony Robbins found this one:

Matthew 5.2-12
Unfulfilled are those who are poor in spirit, for they have not reached their full potential.
Unfulilled are they who mourn, for they do not know that they have chosen to be this way.
Unfulfilled are the meek, for they do not know they have the potential to reach higher things.
Unfulfilled are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they are obviously looking in the wrong place.
Unfulfilled are the merciful, for their actions only hurt those they try to help.
Unfulfilled are the pure in heart, for they have yet to buy my new book.
Unfulfilled are the peacemakers, for they have failed to reach their goal.
Unfulfilled are those who are persecuted, for they have chosen to bring this upon themselves.
Unfulfilled are those who are reviled and insulted, for they have not been able to convince others of how wonderful my program is.




From the Department of Attempted Humour


Public Domain Dedication

This work is dedicated to the Public Domain.