OSO's Peanut Chicken Curry

This is my attempt to help Craig Schwartze with his culinary failures.

Ingredients:

• Chicken (pref breast with fat cut off)
• 1 Carrot
• 1 Handful of green beans
• 1/3 of a capsicum (preferably red in colour)
• Basil (either fresh or one of those "fresh" ones in a tube in the refrigerator at the supermarket). Note: DO NOT USE DRIED BASIL - it is an abomination that causes desolation and one of the two unforgiveable sins that will send you directly to hell.
• 1 tablespoon of raw sugar (white is okay, but I prefer raw)
• 1 teaspoon of minced chili from a jar OR one small chili
• 140ml coconut cream - NOT COCONUT MILK; NOT ANYTHING LITE. Ayam brand is great. When choosing, make sure the fat content is no less than 32g per 100g.
  
• 1 tablespoon of crunchy peanut butter
• 2 tablespoons of crushed peanuts
• 2 tablespoons of lemon juice OR 1 teaspoon minced lemongrass
• sesame oil or peanut oil
• 1 clove of garlic
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• cumin
• coriander

Should be enough to feed 2.5 people.

Making it:

1. Purchase a wok and put it on the stove. Don't turn it on yet (the stove, not the wok).

2. Put the rice on to cook - do this before anything. The rice will cook while you make the curry. Steamed rice only - none of that boiled stuff, which means you should buy a rice cooker or (like me) learn how to cook steamed rice in a normal saucepan.

3. If your chicken is frozen, now is the time to begin defrosting it in the microwave.

4. Peel the carrot and cut it up into little pieces.

5. Cut the green beans up into little pieces. Discard the end bits - they will kill you if you eat them.

6. Cut about 1/3 of the capsicum up. Green is okay but you've already got green beans so you need some level of contrast - so buy a red one. Put the rest of the capsicum back into the fridge where, I assume, you keep the rest of your vegetables.

7. If you're using a real chili, cut it up into little bits now. Don't get any juice in your eye - it hurts.

8. Now turn the stove on. Put it on medium (4 o'clock on an electric stove). Keep the wok on the stove element thingy. If you have gas just turn it on low.

9. Splash the sesame/peanut oil into the wok and let it settle at the bottom.

10. Get the clove of garlic and either cut it into pieces or grate it. Then put it into the wok. The smell of garlic sizzling in peanut oil should make things nice for you.

11. Now get the chicken out of the microwave and begin cutting it up. I prefer small cubey bits rather than long strands.

12. Now put the chicken into the wok. Since the wok is not hot hot hot yet you shouldn't hear a big SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH as you put the chicken in, so once you put the chicken in turn it up to medium hot (about the 8 o'clock position on the temp dial for electric stoves).

13. Regularly turn the chicken over with one of those spatula thingies.

14. As it gets hotter it begins to go SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH. Once the chicken moves from pink to white, put all the chopped vegetables in. The SSSSSSHHHHHH is still there but it sounds different, as though you have put a whole heap of chopped vegetables in.

15. Mix them all around with the spatula thingy.

16. Chuck in the lemon juice/lemongrass.

17. Shake in about 5 shakes of cumin.

18. The same with the coriander.

19. Chuck the chili in. If you're using a real chili then you should've cut it up in step 7.

20. Splash in the Fish Sauce. I know, it smells terrible - but trust me, it makes the food taste nice in the end.

21. Throw in the crushed peanuts.

22. Chuck in the peanut butter.

23. Chuck in the sugar.

24. Mix it all up with the spatula thingy. Make sure the peanut butter goes over everything.

25. Now is the tricky part - adding the coconut cream. Shake the can vigorously before you do anything. Open it with a can opener (Ayam brand sometimes has a ring pull so obviously use that instead). Don't discard the lid - it will still have coconut cream on it. Get a spoon and spoon it into the wok. Scrape the cream off the lid (careful - it could cut you). Discard the lid but there's obviously still bits of coconut cream in the opened can, so turn the kitchen tap on low and fill the can up halfway with water, making sure all the bits of cream inside get into the water. Add the water from the can into the wok. Hopefully you haven't filled the whole can with water so make sure you only add half a can (otherwise it gets too watery). Since you're adding one can of cream and half a can of water, the liquid is 2 parts coconut cream (140ml), 1 part water/cream mixture (70ml)

26. Get the spatula thingy and mix it all up. Hopefully the liquid is a rich brown colour and smells REALLY REALLY NICE.

27. Chuck or squeeze basil into the wok. One handful of leaves or 4 tablespoons of squeezed stuff should do. If you use dried basil you will die.

28. Once you see the liquid beginning to boil, put a lid on the wok and let it simmer on low for ten minutes.

29. After ten minutes turn the heat off and mix it around with the spatula thingy. Put the lid back on and wait another ten minutes.

30. Place steamed rice into your bowl and then spoon the required contents of the wok into said bowl.

31. Consume with fork (eating utensil) whilst watching your favourite TV show or arty film. Alternatively you may wish to eat with friends or family.

32. Go back for seconds.

From the One Culinary Oversight Department

© 2006 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/

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