Woe to the woman who only bears two children or less. The Lord wants you to have at least three to ensure net population growth. Does the Lord not say in the book of Jeebus "Be so fruitful and multiply so much that the animals that I have created will be unable to be fruitful and multiply. Turn the world into Coruscant".
Woe to the woman who desires to work for a wage. The Lord wants you to stay at home, bear children and clean up after your husband. Ignore Proverbs 31 as well.
Woe to the businessman brother in Christ who does not give a discount to the church. Saint's rates shall apply. Woe to the saints who do not use the services of the businessmen in their midst that God has given them. Woe to them also who complain about being price-gouged.
Go into all the world and take over political institutions in my name, forcing unbelievers everywhere to live under the law of the Lord. Only then may unbelievers enter the Kingdom of Heaven... maybe.
Woe to the secular humanists and the feminists. Because of them I destroyed the World Trade Center.
Woe to those who fail to support George W. Bush. Because of them I destroyed New Orleans.
Woe to those who commit terrorist acts against the United States. Because of them I dropped cluster bombs on Iraqi children.
Woe to all the women and children of the world who have contracted AIDS, because the Lord is punishing them for the spread of homosexuality.
Woe to those who are sad and are wishing death, because the Lord wants you to snap out of it.
Woe to those who question their pastors and are worried about any strange teaching or conflict of interest they might have, for the Lord wishes you to shut up and do what you're told and, lo, everything will be all right.
Woe to them who are not always excited and happy when they pray or read the bible or go to church - for they are sinning and are abandoned by the Lord.
Woe to those who are sick or are in financial difficulty. Do you not know that God has cursed you for your lack of faith? Keep being excited and happy and give more of you dwindling income to the pastor and the Lord will bless you. And if the Lord does not bless you, then you do not have enough faith yet.
If a husband and wife are unhappy, woe to the man, for lo, it is his fault, always.
Sin has caused a woman's face to be ugly, therefore God has blessed them with large amounts of make-up.
From the Department of Attempted Humour
© 2006 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/
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