Things you won't hear in the news

Qantas - the worst international airline?

A Qantas spokesperson today called the recent survey into international airlines as "fair and objective". "We discussed the finding of this survey and agree totally that our company is, in fact, the worst international airline in the world."

"As a result of this survey, steps are being taken to rectify these issues. We will not be seeking to raise our public image through clever marketing, but through modifying our basic business model and behaviour to ensure that airline travellers get the best possible service. Changes will be made throughout the company, but the majority of changes will occur in the policies, ideas and behaviour of all in upper management."


Poll numbers good for Rudd and the ALP.

With the ALP polling at 60% compared to the Coalition's 40%, opposition leader Kevin Rudd encouraged his fellow politicians to see this for what it is - a great chance of an election victory.

"These polls show that the ALP is very likely to win the next election" said Rudd "I am very pleased by all the polling that has occurred so far. Obviously the Australian voters are sick and tired of the Howard government."

Rudd believes that the Charisma of both himself and Julia Gillard is the key.

"The voters of Australia obviously like what I say and what I look like. Julia's presence and demeanour are also working very well. This has been partly a result of a good marketing campaign by the ALP, but also a simple admission that both Julia and I look and sound competent, which of course, we are."

Prime Minister John Howard concurs with Rudd's comments.

"Look, I've been Prime Minister of Australia for over eleven years now and these poll numbers clearly show that the ALP is doing something right. In all my time at the top I have never seen the Australian people turn against me in such a way."

Howard warned the media and people of Australia to not underestimate the power of polls.

"Polls are notoriously inaccurate, I will grant you that" he said "But even with a carefully worked out margin of error based upon decades of research, the numbers are clearly indicating a major ALP victory. It would be nice if the electorate would change their mind and grant me another term in office, but you have to admit that the chances are very slim."


Iran admits it is aiding Iraqi extremists.

The Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, admitted in talks with the US today that Iran was aiding Iraqi extremists.

"We're not doing it officially, of course", said Ahmadinejad "There are plenty of people in our country who have the will and the means to assist Iraqis in their fight against American troops... but the Iranian government isn't directly involved."

"But, of course, we do turn a blind eye"

Ahmadinejad has also sheepinshly defended his statements calling for the destruction of Israel.

"You have to understand, I am the President of Iran", he stated "I'm not going to be in this position forever. My journey up the political ladder has been difficult and I am not going to do or say things that will compromise my position."

"The fact is that most Iranians don't like America and don't like Israel. When I get up and speak about destroying Israel I'm simply getting the people of Iran behind me."

"There's no point in having a war against either America or Israel. But I have to keep these levels of threat up if I'm to remain in power."

In Washington, President Bush praised Mr Ahmadinejad for his candor.

"The fact that Mr Ahmadinejad has admitted this is a good sign. It means that he is actually full of hot air and is less liekly to be taken as a threat."

"As president of the United States, I, too, understand the pressures he is under. So many people supported my rise to the top that I was compelled to reward these people with all sorts of perks and positions within the US Government. It wasn't my fault that 'Brownie' had no idea what he was doing at FEMA. I trusted the guy. He organised millions for my campaign after all. Was I wrong to appoint him? History will show that it wasn't"

The president, however, did not rule out future military action against Iran.

"I have to keep threatening Iran with military action. If I don't then the arms manufacturers in the US will suffer from lower orders from our military. And these arms manufacturers are major financial doners to both the Republicans and Democrats."

From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2007 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/

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