(These are terrible, but it would be a waste not to inflict them upon you.)

The man looked bitterly out to the ocean where his family had been killed during the Tsunami. "What goes around, comes around", he stated, reminding himself that the ocean will pay for this in Karma.

A man walked to work without any pants on. When people asked why, he told them that he was instructed to "Live your dreams!"

When asked why he asked the Prime Minister what time it was, the man said "I was always told to question authority".

"Rules are meant to be broken" said the man as he hovered motionless in the air over the bodies of hundreds of people he had murdered.

When asked if he would like to come around for lunch, the man refused, saying "there is no such thing as a free lunch".

Richard Nixon helped the Archbishop cross the road, with the Bishop holding him. "I am not a Crook", Nixon said to onlookers.

A man who had a car accident had permanent chronic back pain. "Well", he said to his friends, "No pain, no gain".

The student handed in his essay. It consisted of three drawings. "This essay was supposed to be 3000 words!" the professor said. "A picture is worth a thousand words, so here's three pictures" the student replied.

A Pygmy and an American were talking in Africa. "How far away is New York?" the Pygmy asked. "3000 miles, as the crow flies", the American responded. "That's one fit crow" the Pygmy said.

The man needed surgery to remove the chocolate from his eye socket. No more eye candy for him.

The man and his wife had ethical concerns about what they owned. She owned most of the town's water and sewerage system. He owned the town's water supply. When she asked him to sign the supply over to her, he refused, saying "Frankly my dear, I don't give a dam"

The machine he had built could do everything - everything. It could mow the lawn, make dinner, discuss Plato, travel faster than light, destroy the entire universe, destroy itself, go backwards and forwards in time, travel into theoretical dimensions that didn't exist before, create an infinite amount of alternative universes instantaneously... it was literally the greatest thing since sliced bread.

The woman had a farm. On this farm she had a horse. "This farm is my hobby" she said to friends. She then climbed on her horse and started to go on and on about the merits of free public transport.

The Prince and Princess married and lived happily ever after. They didn't die. They remained alive and in complete ecstasy and joy in a universe in which time continued into infinity.

The cow lay dead on the ground, filled with holes. The Indians who gathered around it were shocked that their sacred animal had been killed so horribly. It was truly a holy cow.

"This court has wronged me!" the man said to the waiting media as he was taken away. "No one presented solid evidence! No one questioned the testimony of witnesses! I have been convicted of a crime without a fair trial. And to top it off, everyone there was a Kangaroo!"

The cyborg looked at the printed circuit board in front of him. It looked at the components and declared "Resistance is futile".

A Male Deer stood at a stop sign in the forest. It was where the buck stopped.

From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2007 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/

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Anonymous said...


Some of these had potential, but were poorly crafted. The peak oil jokes you submitted last semester were of a far higher quality.

I am now off to the more intellectually satisfying farts.com !

Anonymous said...