Spiritual Reserve Bank to continue pumping blessings into stagnant church life

Warning that Christians around America may fall victim to sin, the head of the Spiritual Reserve Bank (SRB), Mr. Bernie Lovespan, has convinced his fellow board members to continue pumping blessings into the nation's faithful.

"At this present moment in time, events around the world and within America are causing many to lose their focus and their faith”, Lovespan said “Statistics indicate that the bitterness index is up 5%, while the charity average has been falling steadily for the last quarter.”

Lovespan has convinced his colleagues that the SRB needed to increase the supply of blessings if sin is to be controlled.

“A balanced spiritual life needs the effects of sin to be contained. The SRB, at this point, feels that an increase in the blessing supply is justified if parity is maintained.”

Not all the faithful are supportive of the measures though. Rev. Matthew Black, of St Flaggelations church in Flint, Michigan, believes that the effects of sin are better controlled by the restriction of blessings.

“By increasing the blessing supply, the SRB is creating long-term problems for America's Christians”, Black said “They are creating a spiritual bubble that will pop and devastate those caught up in it.”

“Ironically, by increasing the blessing supply, they actually increase sin over the long term.”

Others, however, see the SRB's move as heaven-sent.

Pastor Alistair Awesome of the Abundant Life and Happiness Always church in Austin, Texas, believes that Lovespan has made the right choice.

“People need to see a reward for their faith”, Awe said “Faith that has no rewards, no tangible and measurable positive outcome, is no faith at all.”

“Without blessings, unrewarded faith produces sin. There is no question about it. By pumping more blessings into the nation's spiritual life, sin will be removed.”

Dr. Bradley Wilk, Professor of Theolomy at the Massachusetts Institute of Divinity, is one of the few Econologians to challenge the SRB's loose blessing policy.

“Lovespan's tenure at the SRB has seen the country's spiritual indicators steadily decline. Although it is true that a small percentage of people have been blessed abundantly, the overall blessings per capita has remained stagnant for some five years. And all this while the SRB has been increasingly supply injudiciously.”

A “Sin hawk”, Wilk warns that an oversupply of blessings will result in future hardship.

“Essentially we're taking the blessings of the future and experiencing them now.” Wilk argues. “Are we prepared to be blessed now and let our kids experience suffering later on? That's the question that Lovespan should be considering.”

Pastor Awesome, however, had this to say at the church's prosperity seminar last night:

“You deserve to be blessed. No good deed goes unrewarded. Our nation is one of the greatest in the world, and it is due to the amount of blessings that are pumped into us”

“If we run out, all we need to do is create more. The possibilities are endless”

From the Department of Attempted Humour

© 2006 Neil McKenzie Cameron, http://one-salient-oversight.blogspot.com/

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